Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
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If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not