Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
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Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
Sunday
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.