My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
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I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
No point crayon over spilled milk.
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.