More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
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Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.