Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
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I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us