Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
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Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?