Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
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The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
Another interesting #factupdates post!
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles