Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
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If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
it’s finally my moment to shine
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
I’m so full I could puke a horse