If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
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Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
What about a To-Don’t List?
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
My patience has stretch marks.
The Weeknd is back
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
i will not be silenced
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.