If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
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*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
Never mess with a drunken pig.
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
#SuperBowl
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
Never forget.
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me