@WilliamAder

Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”

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@emmaketchup7

The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise

@PJTLynch

Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD

@SufficientCharm

A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.

@DaddyJew

[ cookout ]

Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!

Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup

@Brianhopecomedy

I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.

@theSolemnBard

[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.

@ArfMeasures

[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u again

DATE: That would be nice

ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her