Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”

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The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise


Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD


A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.


[ cookout ]

Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!

Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup


I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.


[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.


[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u again

DATE: That would be nice

ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her