Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
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With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.