*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
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Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
I’m not stressed
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️