tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
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If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO