@JasonLastname

How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?

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@pleatedjeans

Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes

@daemonic3

Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average

@

I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator

@AlexvanBeek

EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.

@3sunzzz

If you love someone, let them go.

If they don’t come back, get a dog.

@brookeisgolden

Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.

@LibelousLurker

My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.

@joshfadem

Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.

@Shariv67

When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”

@LuvPug

I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’