@JasonLastname
@pleatedjeans Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
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@pleatedjeans 
@daemonic3 Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
@AlexvanBeek EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
@3sunzzz If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
@brookeisgolden Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
@LibelousLurker My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
@joshfadem Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
@Shariv67 When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
@LuvPug I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’