Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
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Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’