How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
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My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
gentlemen, hear me out
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”