Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
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[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
step 6: release the wall snake
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
So many pants.
So little yoga.