Sombrero is better than nobrero.
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[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time