my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
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I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that