“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
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If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
mechanics be like
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
Genius idea!!
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.