mechanics be like
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“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
No. He’s not coming out to play
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…