Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
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Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.