*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
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good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
dogs can find happiness so easily
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
my fav colour is also hitler
My dad teaching me to drive
it’s a van. how do they not know this
Somewhere in an alternate universe
<—- homeless romantic