ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
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Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
When libraries troll their patrons.
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.