ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
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cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
(Just overheard in the dentist waiting room)
Kid: Mrs Davies taught us about negotiataners
Mum: You mean negotiations?
Kid: *considers* Let’s agree on negotiatans
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.