I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
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NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
It’s the weekend y’all
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
Pikachu found the lost joint
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
Worst Native American name ever.
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie