Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
You Might Also Like
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *