[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
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I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
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[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
This will teach them to underestimate me
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.