Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
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My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct