What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
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Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.