I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
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[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
That took me a moment.
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault