Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
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I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite