His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
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Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.