Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?
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This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
okay run it by me one more time
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.