Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
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batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
i wish we could shoplift online
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
the three branches of government
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.