I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
You Might Also Like
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
Banking tips
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
50 shades of grey = my Liver
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.