Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
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When your parents check you’re ok.
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.