director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
You Might Also Like
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
Poetry is my passion
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”