When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
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The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
This might be the funniest tweet ever
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
The three genders
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
Butt weight. There’s more!
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?