*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
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I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!
Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
RT if you could go either way.
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.