me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
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You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”
a fate I wish upon no one
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.