Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
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I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
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Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG