Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
![]()
You Might Also Like
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
![]()
![]()
![]()
![]()
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
Studies show that men born between the 1st and the 31st day of the month are sexier than the others.
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
If people ask what my toddler daughter’s rabbit is called, I lie and tell them his name is Prince. His actual name, chosen by my daughter who heard it once but doesn’t understand the historical significance of it yet, is Hitler
Forever 21… pounds overweight
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
your elf on the shelf was delicious
![]()
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
![]()
There is no “we” in pizza
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.