Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.

a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods

That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.

Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”

Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*

When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.

soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:

– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm

You can’t make me breathe heavy.

You aren’t a flight of stairs.

don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die

me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.

Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”

It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.

officer: give me your name

me: then what am I going to use?

I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends

me: [pooping in a basket]

hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.

Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.

The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.

Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄

To be continued…

I work at Home Depot.

White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers

Me: Thank you for that information

Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?

Tamale guy: yes

Me: I’ll take three

Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.

Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing

Son: You act like the dog is better than me.

Me: Sit

*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*

Me: I rest my case

My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.

Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date

I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree

A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”

*knocks on bedroom window*

*holds up phone *

YOU LEFT ME ON READ!

Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.

Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”

Me: “My personal identification number number?”

*he stabs me*

“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.

DOG 911: What’s your emer-

DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE

DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?

DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG