Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.

[on date]

HER: What are you doing on your phone?

ME: An update

HER: What update?

ME: Not much, what up with you?

him: damn girl you’re hot

me (menopausal): I know. it sucks

My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.

I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.

I’m 36 years old.

Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.

[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right

I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.

WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge

ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART

“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”

“Sweet! We should hang out!”

– Ear buds

I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.

Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus

Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem

How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.

The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.

-911 what’s your emergency?

-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.

Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*

– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny

Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.

Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.

Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.

The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.

BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!

Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.

Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.

Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners

What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.

Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.

My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.

It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.

Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.

[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.