Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
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I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
This kinda thing happens to me often
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.