The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.

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My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.


I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.


You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks


Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.


(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!


Me: … Well this is embarrassing


One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.


A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.


When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.


Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*