The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
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Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
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-Octopus preparing for a fight
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?