Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
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joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
multitasking lunch
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%