I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
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Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
Not recommended for beginners.
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
Happy thanksgiving!
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there