I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
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my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
Writing, She Murdered.
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.