Writing, She Murdered.
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toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
Bootstraps
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.