Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
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“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
And now we wait
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure