Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
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doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
.
.
.
.
.
The top ans was
.
.
.
.
.
GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.