Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
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Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
🤣
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
*launders Kohls cash*
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.