Before crowbars crows drank alone
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My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)