i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
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Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
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Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…