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Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
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INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
Tastes like chicken.
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
Botany good plants lately?
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.