[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
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If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three