@JohnLyonTweets

[showing new guy around office]

Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.

New guy: He said the same about you, haha.

Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!

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@amishschool

My son, 5, scared of the thunder.

I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.

Think that helped.

@yungk0ala

one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭

@XplodingUnicorn

4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?

Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?

4: No reason.

@PLATINUM2000

*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*

@aveuaskew

If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.

@thegreatnanak

I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.

@wolfpupy

you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.

@meganamram

Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.

@dubstep4dads

.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back