I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
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[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
Incredible customer service.
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning